Needy Women (Or Men) – It’s A War

I always said I wouldn’t be one of those ‘needy women.’

I was young, invincible and pretending I didn’t need anyone. I couldn’t see this part of me that was stirring.

Finally, it unleashed itself. Every ounce of neediness and insecurity came out like a hurricane on coke. My then boyfriend took a whipping of clinginess to last a lifetime.

Still these feelings sometimes have a hold. But with each beautiful breath of truth, (and so it is for all needy women or men, who live in that world of pain) it lets go of its grip. It’s such a easy place to be.

I need him to understand me, call me, talk to me? Is that true?

Three different clients with the same theme. What a bumper mirror of me. We very much want to be understood by our loved ones. When we don’t get that understanding we get mad.

We demand, we complain, we cry….

…sometimes endlessly for days.

Only it doesn’t work. The more desperately we reach for it – the further away our loved ones ride. If only, if only, we could control their minds.

I was so sure I could.

After the third person – with the same story – I could no longer ignore that this was me.

How many times I’ve felt enraged because I thought my husband didn’t understand me.

I wanted to quieten – the never ending whisper – ‘something is wrong with me.’ Like many others, I seek reassurance on the outside. I’m certainly not unique.

Mostly I thought that if he understood me – HE WOULD CHANGE.

If only he loved me the way I said – life, love and our relationship would be perfect.  I’m not unreasonable, I thought.

Hand in hand with my expectation for understanding, was my expectation for him to not be him – but to be some version of a fantasy…

…a fantasy even I could not live up to.

In these moments of pain – I don’t seek to understand him.

What he thinks or feels at that time doesn’t matter. I only want to hear that he would do things differently so I could feel free.  I called that love. In these moments of pain, I believed I was helpless; that only he could set me free.

I had no clue on how to give him the very things I wanted. I could only understand him on the things I was in agreement with.

When he showed up in conflict with my needs and values, the sweetness inside, turned to anger and fear.

I was Bitter Aunty Agonagony aunt.jpgy on a roller coaster horror ride.

The insanity of my mind. Now I know it. My relationship with my husband and the issues my clients bring – show up to show me what is unresolved within.

No matter how much I think he should do this or shouldn’t do that; no matter how much I believe I am entitled – the reality is – he is absolutely free. No amount of complaint or coercion will make it otherwise. It’s most definitely nothing to do with love.

My pain is mine. His, is his. Only I can understand me. Only I can talk to me, be with me, listen to me, care for me. Now I can go to work and set myself free.

I am indeed one of ‘those’ needy women. I don’t mind any more. Each time I’m alive with the possibility of cleaning any part of residue that wants anyone else to be responsible for me.

Relationship Tip Activity:

  1. Write out your expectations and needs.
  2. What or how can you give yourself what you desire?
  3. What or how can you give others the very same thing – especially when it’s hard?
  4. Notice how you may not ALWAYS give others the very thing you want them to be for you.
  5. Be gentle with yourself as you discover you’re not perfect. You’ll soon let go of your need for your partner to be anything other than what he or she already is.

Want to read more. Go to Controlling Relationships or Relationship Addiction

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