Controlling relationships she swore she’d never have…
She couldn’t see she wanted to control him. Dominate his every word, his thought and deed. She wanted him a puppet to her every need. She couldn’t see the bitch she’d become. The nag of all nags she’d grown for wings. She couldn’t see she was tearing him down from limb to limb. She had the Mommy -Bitch Syndrome.
I am guilty of this too! Are you?
She sat on the edge of her chair. She wanted my agreement. She sought sympathy for her predicament. Her husband after all, a useless child, she said. How on earth, could she live a good life. She had to pick up his mess, nag him to fix the light, and give her a romantic night. She spent 30-minutes picking him apart. Selfish, immature, lazy he was.
She couldn’t see much else. She didn’t want to change. She wanted to know how to make him change.
She only came for two sessions. Their marriage didn’t last long. I learnt a lot about me in those two sessions and the nature of controlling relationships.
I think many of us have a bit of that. We do things for others they can do for themselves. We tell them how to dress or what to do. After all, we know what’s best. Everything would be alright if they just did as we said. We’re rude, bossy and mean. We complain, we shame, we blame.
Only to find no-one is home. It may have started before you. It doesn’t matter where it began.
Are you here now?
Is your relationship fraught with fighting?
Do you often feel upset?
In short, are you in a controlling relationship?
Does he or she:
- spends less and less time at home;
- and less and less time with you;
- not tell you jackshit;
- shut you out emotionally;
- leave it ALL to you;
- seem depressed;
- don’t trust him (or her);
- see him or her as incompetent;
- feel anxious and insecure;
- feel overwhelmed and stressed-out;
- need to be right;
- believe s/he is wrong;
- are pissed off;
- correct him in small and big things;
- find yourself putting him down;
- make decisions for him;
- do things for him he can do for himself;
- demand from him how to love you;
- tell him what to do and how to do it;
No matter what s/he does it isn’t good enough.
Eventually s/he stops trying.
S/he doesn’t want to do things because no matter what s/he does you’ll tell them how they should have done it. Its the pivotal centre of controlling relationships. The fault-finding mission.
The basic message you send – You’re no good.
So WALA – you have a partner who doesn’t want to be around you. A marriage on its way out. Is this YOU? Are you the maker of your version of controlling relationships?
I’m guilty of it too.
So now you know what NOT to do. The rest is up to YOU.
Make yourself at home.
Peace be with you, Joann.